I recently sat in on some individual and group feedback sessions with 12 teenagers - 7 girls and 5 boys ages 13-16. The purpose of the sessions, conducted by the Better Parenting University team, was to gain additional insight into the current views and opinions of teens on a wide range of issues including:

And the topic I want to touch on today: Teen Sex. Now, I can’t release the specific findings of our feedback sessions (we will however, include some of this feedback in future online seminars), but there is one thing I want to share with parents right away - and hope that you may take this knowledge and share it with your child.

We asked our panel of teens if they were sexually active - and what that term “sexually active” actually meant to them. The answer was unanimous, that they were all sexual active in some way. That didn’t mean they were having intercourse, but they had engaged in sexual activity beyond kissing. This fact wasn’t surprising to our panel of parent experts who were conducting the discussion. What was interesting, is how the kids got started engaging in sexual activity.

We were told they were motivated to become sexually active largely based on the fact that their friends were or believed to be already having sex. Most of the teens on our panel shared the same experience: If their friends were having sex, then they should be too. The key is that reality didn’t count here. In other words, kids felt as if they were “burned” by their friends, who they believed were having sex, but in fact, they were not. As a result, some teens on our panel participated in sexual acts (with other teens), because they thought their friends were too - not because they really wanted to on their own.

Now, statistically, our group of 12 teenagers is insignificant to draw any larger conclusions, (of course to these teens, and the parents of these teens, this information is very significant!)  So, I did some research, and found that researchers at the University of Kentucky followed 950 teenagers at 17 high schools from 9th to 11th grades.

This larger, formal study, found evidence that teens who have intercourse tend to think their friends are too, even if they’re not. “You’re 2.5 times more likely to have sex by the 9th grade if you think your friends are having sex — whether or not they really are,” according to Katharine Atwood, assistant professor at the Kentucky School of Public Health.

So what does this mean to you and your preteen or teen? If you can convey to your child that their friends sexual activity may not be what they think - that they really are not having sex - then you may have a better chance in encouraging  your own child’s behavior.

I also want to suggest an online parenting seminar that can help you address issues of sex with your child - Talking to Your Child About Sex: How To Protect Your Child Physically and Emotionally